The New Blog

Law school life is over, but Life Lessons continue. Follow me here.

The End.

This is my last Sunday in Lynchburg, and this is my last entry on this blog. No longer am I a law student. I am now a law school graduate and a student of the North Carolina Bar Exam.

Graduation last Saturday was surreal. I arrived for line up around 8:00 a.m. (as required) dressed in full regalia. Although the forecast called for rain, the clouds dissipated and the sun was shining by the time we marched on the field at 9:45 a.m.

Family and friends were there--amongst the 20,000 others in the stands. And I was surrounding by the colleagues who had helped me survive the hardest three years of my life. From the time that I walked on the field I had this perpetual smile pasted on that just would not (or could not) go away. I literally smiled so much that day that my cheeks were burning--probably because there hadn't been a whole to smile about for three years (especially with regard to law school).

Like I mentioned, rather than being overcast and cloudy, it became sunny and warm; and by the time the service was over, I was drenched in perspiration. We walked in this heat to the hooding ceremony where we wiped our brow and kept going with the program. At the end of the hooding, we trekked across campus to the law school for a quick tour. By this time my schedule was completely trashed. I had tried to plan ahead, but the ceremonies had run long and traffic across campus was at a complete crawl (pedestrian as well as vehicular). So we plan and God laughs. Fortunately, by the time we got to the restaurant, I had had time to change my blouse and cool down and the meal was wonderful. I was so happy that most of my guests were able to stay and enjoy a meal at one of my favorite local restaurants, Charley's. The food and fellowship was wonderful.

And just as quickly as it began, it was over. There were good-byes in the parking lot and everyone was gone. The regalia went back in its bag and back to the bookstore.

Three short years ago I began this blog to document my journey through law school. I was excited, yet fearful. I was pursuing a dream that I prayed didn't turn into a nightmare. I questioned whether I was smart enough or strong enough. I spent several sleepless nights just counting these questions and many more. Three years later, I am still losing sleep--but for different reasons. Law school teaches you that "sleep is for the weak." (Another favorite is, "Sleep is a luxury.") So now I am losing sleep because there is so much to pack and so much to do before putting my worldly possessions on a truck and returning to North Carolina to study for the bar. This is the last Sunday, the last week, and the last entry for this blog. Thank you for sharing this journey with me. I do hope to begin another blog and will post an announcement when it is published. I also hope to author a book in the future (actually, I have three books in my head right now). Oops, there I go dreaming again!

The End.

...and my heart took a picture.

I'm starting to get that "death sentence" feeling. I believe there's a divine grace in not knowing when this life will end and we will step into eternity. Some people know they have a fatal disease and perhaps can narrow their life span down to a few weeks or months. Excluding those with a mandated execution date, the rest of us do not know the day or hour when we will die.

Hopefully, the death angel doesn't have me on his short list; but, my "death sentence" feeling isn't about actually dying, but about knowing the day and hour when this leg of my life's journey will end, and that day is racing toward me with some kind of reckless abandon.

It's kind of ironic how I have prayed for graduation day, and I have whispered a thousand times how much "I want to be done!" And, of course, those prayers remain the same; but, even with those desires to finish--and finish soon!--I also know that there are pieces of this life that I am going to miss.

Greenview Drive is a nightmare of construction right now as it is expanding to four lanes. I remember my first trip down Greenview Drive on that summer day that Wes and I came to Lynchburg to look at apartments. We exited off the highway and stopped at the light at the top of the hill. On the horizon lay a panoramic view of the Blue Ridge Mountains that was absolutely breath-taking. I told Wes at that moment, "I don't know where I'm going to live, but it must include this view!" For three years I have taken that same route home almost every day, and it has never disappointed me. I was lost in thought about it yesterday as I crested that hill for the thousandth time, and my heart took a picture.

I went to Campus Church last night (and it was wonderful, as usual). But I found myself watching the musicians, the students, and my friends. I was just drinking it all in and thanking God for such a rich worship experience that has been made available to me on a weekly basis for three years. The kids were cheering for their friends getting baptized. They rang out the words of each song like a massive 5000 voice choir. Dr. E made us laugh and think and repent in the same breath. I panned the room a few times, realizing that this would soon be a memory, and my heart took a picture.

I gave a presentation on Tuesday regarding the topic of my final paper in Federal Jurisdiction class. Fed Jur is a small seminar class with many of my closest friends and one of my favorite profs. I really wasn't nervous about my presentation; but I found myself getting distracted by my friends and all the thoughts that were racing through my mind (none of which had anything to do with my paper!). As I panned the room and looked each one of them in the eye, I realized that this is our last month of class and one of the few times that we'll all be together. It seems that we have a lifetime of memories together and ironic that our history together spans less than three years. I was babbling about my topic and drawing on the white board, but my thoughts were about these wonderful people who have been part of this season, and my heart took a picture.

I suppose it is a "death sentence" of sorts, but I am thankful for the grace of knowing when this will end. I have lived three of the most glorious years of my adult life here. They have been trying. They have often seemed impossible. I have been happy, sad, wise, foolish, helpful, belligerant, angry, victorious, and defeated. I have grown personally, intellectually, and spiritually. So, bring on the death sentence! Without the death (or end) of this journey, I won't be able to experience the next. For three years I have laughed, cried, and loved with some of the greatest people in the world, and I know that this ending will be bathed in tears of joy and sadness. We were tossed into a room as strangers, and we have emerged as family. So this is the long goodbye, slowly letting go, but taking each moment with me in my heart.

An involuntary entry

I have been postponing this entry for a few weeks--mainly because I know that when I see these words, the beginning of the end will be a reality. After almost three years of law school, the time has come to say good-bye. In nine short weeks I will have completed this frightening, exhausting, exhilerating, and memorable journey. I started this blog in August 2006, just a few short weeks after moving to a new state to fulfill a lifelong dream.

For three years I have written about the trivial and the critical wrapped up in law school and life. This blog has been part of the therapy required to get through some of the rough spots. Writing has always been an outlet for me. Most of my private journal entries are lengthy ramblings about whatever is on my heart. This blog allowed me to publish some of those thoughts--opening a window to my soul.

So in the nine weeks that remain, I hope to find time--even to make time--to record these kaliescope of emotions as the antediluvian law student prepares to graduate.

What's a snow day without salsa?

Ever notice that on a snow day you realize how much food you don't have in your cupboard? Sure I have hot chocolate, marshmallows, lots of soups, frozen meats, popcorn, chips and (of course) milk and bread; but, I don't have salsa. Somehow I let a snow day sneak up on me without a single jar of salsa in the house. Do you know what I have thought about all day? Salsa. I even tried eating a few chips without salsa, but decided I'd rather gnaw on the telephone book cover instead.

Have you ever realized how pissed off people get when they expect it to be a snow day and it isn't? Oh, that was me on Monday. Everyone in Virginia had snow Monday morning except the 10 mile radius around my house. I had been up all night (literally) working on a paper. I must have looked out my window a dozen times--just praying for a few flakes. A snow day on Monday would have been like a gift from God. Folks on the radio were talking about snow, folks on the television were pointing to snow, but all I got was "cold" and no snow. And everyone at school was in a foul mood--much like me--because they had built up their hopes for a snow day only to be robbed.

And, when it snows, there are two types of people in the world. There are those who must drive in it and those who refuse to do so. I lean toward the latter category and have noticed that most men lean toward the first category. For example, my late husband was quite the lazy man and rarely rolled out of bed before noon. But, if it was a snow day, he was up at the crack of dawn, layering up in clothing, warming up the car, clearing the driveway, and heading into work. Why he made such effort to do so was beyond me, especially since he ran a retail book store and he was unlikely to have three customers the entire day. And, on snow days, he loved to drive me to work. Any other day if I said, "Honey, my car's broke down?" He'd pillow mumble, "Can't you catch a ride with someone?" But, let some snow fall, and he's my Prince Charming, whisking me off to work, where I don't have to be anyway because it's a snow day! Why, oh why, couldn't I be like everyone else, staying at home, in the warmth of my four walls, rummaging through the kitchen, and working on a grocery list of all the snow day items I didn't have handy.

(By the way, by "late" husband, I don't mean that he's deceased...he was just always late....except on snow days.)

We have had a steady stream of sleet and ice for the past twenty-four hours (unfortunately it didn't arrive before my Monday deadline). Ice is especially treacherous. I definitely am not going to be driving in icy conditions. I don't even like to walk the dog when it's this icy. Tree limbs are weighted down, and the grass is crunchy. And all I need to do is hit one slick spot on the sidewalk and it gets real ugly from there. I am a big girl, and big girls fall fast and ugly.

I have spent the entire morning obsessing about my lack of salsa. I was so disappointed in my lack of preparedness for this snow/ice event--that is until I discovered that--in spite of the salsa shortage--I had all the ingredients for a big pot of homemade chili. While the chili doesn't replace the salsa, it is a valid substitution. So, my chili is simmering on the stove right now. I've also made some rice, chopped up some celery sticks, and made a gallon of sweet tea. Now, if I only had some sour cream....

Obituary for Abigail: March 1994 - January 2009

On Thursday, January 8, Abby and I took a long walk. She sniffed and smelled. She pee'd and poo'd. I sat on the ground and just let her be the ol' gal that she wanted to be before we had to go. And while I sat there, I prayed that somehow she would know how much she had meant to me, to my kids, and to our family. Never before had I wanted to communicate my true feelings so badly with anyone. She had become so intertwined into our family's history that it is hard to imagine us before she came along.

Abigail (better known as Abby) was born the daughter of a Labrador Retriever and German Shepard. She was almost three years old when we adopted her. Abby would fetch a ball, but you had to wrestle it out of her jaw. She would shake your hand with either paw for a mere verbal reward of "good girl." She would also roll over and "sit" upon command. Most of the time, when she did sit, she would sit "on" you, not "next" to you.

The day we brought Abby home, both kids and Abby sat in the back seat of the convertible with Abby perched in the middle. I can still see all three of them in the back seat. Their hair is blowing. Abby is panting. It looks like she is almost smiling. Both kids are holding on to her and talking to her. A friendship is being formed in the back seat of that convertible. I watched it all from the rearview mirror, and my heart took a picture.

I look back now and realize how much she enjoyed that car ride. I wish I would have taken her on more car rides; but, instead, she soon learned that the car ride eventually involved the vet's office, and she did not like going there at all. By the time that I started tossing her in the back of the truck for a long-distance trip home, she would stay petrified for two or three hours--just waiting for the vet's office to appear on the horizon, I suppose.

For most of her life, Abby lived in a wonderful, fenced-in back yard, and she loved to patrol the perimeter. She had friends on the other side of the fence, and they would often chase each other up and down the fence line. Abby also loved to chase birds and rabbits. In her younger days, she caught quite a few of them and would leave them at the back door for me to find after she had finished playing with them.

Abby never tried to escape from the back yard. She loved it there because we were there--in the pool, playing basketball, or working in the shed. Whatever we were doing, she was there. Other dogs seemed to be jealous of her life and would actually try to break into the back yard, so we finally had to lock the fence to keep the riff-raff out.

Abby loved to stay outside during the day time. She would soak up the sun (when she wasn't chasing the birds). She would also patrol the fence. And she looked ferocious, but she was as gentle as a lamb. The only time Abby did not want to be outside was during rain or a thunderstorm. We often joked that "rain affected her beauty." She did not like getting wet. And thunder frightened her tremendously. Sometimes I would get a call from Carol, next door, and she'd say, "There's a storm coming up, so I put Abby inside." And that was fine with me. At night, when we were all home and spending time as a family, she would stand at the back door and scratch to come in. She knew she was part of the family and she wanted to be a part of whatever we were doing.

In June 2006 I made the decision to move to Virginia to attend law school and I was advised to give away the pets so that I would not be distracted. Within a week of renting an apartment where no pets were allowed, I regretted that decision. I immediately took a day off work, drove back to Virginia, found another place to live that did allow pets (at a much higher rate), signed the lease, and then begged the first landlord to let me out of that lease. Fortunately it all worked out, and in July it was me and Abby on our way to law school in Virginia.

In Virginia, Abby no longer had her own yard to play in during the day. Instead, her days were spent inside an apartment. When she did go outside, she had to be on a leash. She lost a lot of freedom, but never complained. She was part of the family and family members make sacrifices for one another.

In the past few years she had developed cataracts on both eyes and she had lost most of her hearing. She would bump into doors and walls or get lost in dark rooms. She had arthritis in her hips and had lost most of her muscle tone. She had trouble with staircases and seemed embarrassed when we tried to help her. She would stand for extended periods of time because it was just too painful to sit. She also had tumors that were robbing her body of the nutrition it needed. She would eat three times a day like a starved animal, but she was still losing weight while the tumors were getting larger. The surgery was expensive--not to mention that it was risky for such an elderly dog. Her health and quality of life deteriorated very quickly.

While I sat on the ground Thursday, I thought about all those years we had together. And I cried. I cried because I knew how the day would end. I cried because I was losing my friend. I cried because I had to make this awful decision. And I cried because my heart was breaking.

Mom had bought her a bone that she thoroughly enjoyed, and then we loaded up in the truck for one more ride. As usual, she was petrified--and for good reason. When we got to the vet's office she was so good about walking in and sitting down. I, on the other hand, was a basket case. (You would have thought they were putting me to sleep!)

We went to the examination room and waited for the vet. He explained the procedure and said we could stay or go. I decided to stay. She was being such a brave girl, I felt it was the least I could do for her. She was laying across my feet--like she had done on so many occasions--and the doctor just sat down on the floor next to her. He placed a needle in her front leg and injected the fluid. I was rubbing her head and talking to her, and she did not fight it. She did not whimper; she did not recoil. She barely breathed two breaths after the injection and then she just drifted off to sleep. I took that as a sign that she was tired and ready to go. The vet let me stay with her for a few minutes afterward. I got down on the floor with her and just petted her and told her what a great friend she had been for over twelve years. I kissed her forehead and shook her hand one more time and said, "You are a good girl."

The fool has said in his heart, there is no God (Psalm 53:1). Abby was one of a kind. There will never be another like her, regardless of how long this Earth remains. To think that not only is every human being unique, but every animal as well--every dog, cat, rabbit, sparrow, cricket. Every creature, every plant, and every day is one of a kind. To wrap my head around that just makes me marvel at the God of this universe who can do such an amazing thing on a daily basis. And to know that I was the one chosen to know, love, and be blessed by Abby for twelve years made me feel like a steward entrusted with the care of the master's prized possession.

I knew this day would come, but that knowledge didn't make it any easier. Tonight I will listen for her toe nails going clickety-clack down the hallway to my room, and I still expect her to wake me up in the morning by nuzzling close to my pillow and giving a loud snort. But, instead, I'll be reminded that we brought her home and buried her in mom's back yard. While a friend was digging the hole, I sat on the ground with her again--almost in the same place we had been a few hours earlier--just stroking her head and loving her one more time. She had been my companion for twelve years. She was my side kick. She was so obedient, humble, and easy to train. She had never been a burden. Even in death she didn't inconvenience anyone, but left graciously, like a lady.