Warning: Very depressing! Read at your own risk!

Here’s the weekend so far….

I am slowly recuperating from a wicked head cold. It literally kept me in bed all of last weekend, and it has sapped me of all energy this week. When I wasn’t in class, I was at home sleeping—or trying to sleep between the coughing and sneezing.

The good news is the head cold is almost gone. The bad news is that it has now migrated to my chest. So, this weekend is round two of battling an annoying, pesky sickness. It’s just bad enough that it keeps me from reading, concentrating, or exercising. Oh, I haven’t been able to exercise in over a week, so my weight loss has come to a halt. And I feel like I am losing all of the muscle tone that I had worked so hard on. When I try to exercise, it only makes me cough so hard I think I’m going to break a rib. So when I’m lying in bed I can just feel myself turning into a tub of lard again.

Another repercussion from this sickness is that I have missed my first law review deadline. And, by “missed,” I mean that I had to request an extension of time. The editor was most gracious in allowing the extension, but just asking for it made me feel like a failure. I do not request extensions. It is not part of my composition. If I am given a realistic deadline, I will kill myself to meet that deadline, but I will not ask for an extension; well, until now. Better yet, I am 24 hours away from the extension’s deadline, and I haven’t written one word. And, just to ensure that I fail on multiple levels, I also have not prepared for Monday’s classes. On the bright side, though, my blog is up to date.

My one bright spot this weekend was supposed to be the college’s live theatre production, where my daughter is part of the production staff for the show. Every year I buy two season tickets so that my daughter and I can spend some time together and enjoy a show. But, when she’s working a show (like this one), I typically ask a friend to come along, which is what I did for Saturday night’s show. But, the friend I asked is a flake. I know that, and I knew that when I asked her. And, being the flake that she is, she canceled on me late Saturday afternoon “because [she] had wasted the whole day and needed to study.” First, I fail to see why that (i.e., she had wasted the whole day and needed to study) is my fault; but, the bottom line is, some lessons are better learned. And that is the lesson that I have to take away from this experience. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. While I always want to believe that people will do the right thing, I must accept that they will not; and the place where I have the most control is avoiding setting myself up for disappointment. My ego will recover and, hopefully, it has learned this lesson for the last time. That didn’t make Saturday night’s experience any less painful, though. I paid for two seats and only got the benefit of one. And I went to the show alone. Not fun.

Speaking of the bruised ego, I am still waiting to hear about the summer associate position of my dreams. As per the recruiter, decisions were to be made during the third week of October. So far I have not received a rejection letter, which is good; but I also have not received an offer (i.e., not good). This probably means that I am on “hold,” at best. So, here’s my status: I have placed all of my eggs in this one basket. I have not applied for any other summer associate positions. Why? Because I want this one. I am now trying to prepare myself for the fact that I may not receive the offer and what to do then. I am also reminding myself of my mortal frailties and limitations and the fact that I have ultimately entrusted my entire life and livelihood to the Heavenly Father, who is in complete control of the future. I have already told Him, as I’m telling you, that I will be disappointed—very disappointed—should I not receive an offer to the firm of my dreams, but I will try to temper that with the knowledge that He knows what is best and in His grand design there is something bigger and better for me. I will probably need to re-read these words out loud when the rejection letter arrives.

Finally, my weekend has been consumed with thoughts of my kids. I miss them dearly. And, for some reason, I missed them very much this weekend. I miss being a mom. I miss being a part of their everyday lives. I do not like getting the 30-second capsule summary of their lives. I miss staying up late with them and just talking. I miss the days when we would all crowd onto my bed and read our favorite books—or at least a chapter or two before we would start gabbing and talk into the night. I miss the banter, and the jokes, and the crazy things we did together that would make us laugh uncontrollably. I miss giving them random hugs. I miss watching them sleep. And I feel like I am missing so much of their lives.

So, that’s my weekend so far. It hasn’t been fun or productive. And, to be honest, I’ll be happy to see Monday morning and put these dreadful days behind me.