What is the plan?

This is the week of Spring Break--a time to catch up on your studies and your sleep. But, I haven't slept well this week, especially last night. There is just so much "stuff" swirling around in my head. It wakes me up at 2:30 and 4:15 and 5:40. No matter how tired or drugged I am, I just cannot sleep. So many thoughts are bombarding me that there is no way I can sink into REM. There are things I must do today, stuff that must be done before Monday, concerns about the summer; and, of course--with graduation a mere 18 months away--now it's time to officially start contemplating a serious job search.

Most of my adult life I have been a "planner." I plan my work. I plan my life. I plan vacations--at least one year in advance. I organize, research, investigate, analyze, and then develop a plan. When I taught an Intro class at JCC, my mantra for those students was "Plan the work and work the plan." One of their assignments was to develop a 10-year career plan. Where would they like to be in ten years? What were their goals? And how could we develop incremental steps to get there?

I also had a 10-year career plan for myself that I often tweaked during Christmas vacation. I found that to be the perfect time to reflect on the prior year and to revisit/revise the 10-year plan. I vividly remember about five years ago when I added "attend law school" to the 10-year plan. Wow! What a dream that was. And, now it's a reality.

My current 10-year plan has some holes, though. I just do not know where I am going to go from here. There are so many areas of law that interest me, I fear choosing the wrong one. For a "planner," not having a plan is a terrible thing that feels much like skydiving without a parachute.

I also struggle internally with perception and self-worth issues. It doesn't take much for me to convince myself that I have taken someone else's seat on this ride--someone smarter and more deserving than me. Why do I feel like I belong here? How can I believe that this part of the plan will ever be more than a lofty goal penned by a dreamer? I have stepped off the edge of the cliff, am dangling in mid air, and will soon crash to the ground, as predicted by many. And, just in case there is a snowflake's chance in hell that that doesn't happen, there are at least ten different ways that I can personally screw it up. I suppose I need to revise the 10-year plan with a more realistic goal that reads "self-destruct."

It pains me to say that I don't know what the plan is. I can see the question forming in people's mind ("So, what are you going to do after law school?"), and I just want to run away before they utter the first syllable. It feels so lame saying, "I don't know," or my new favorite, "I am working out the details." If God would only enlighten me to the plan, I could jot it down for ready reference, condense it to a one-sentence reply, and focus my attention on more pressing matters. So far, He has been reluctant to do so, in spite of my requests.

I can only hope that some of these demons that I battle on a daily basis are part of the plan. If I believed otherwise, i.e., that this torture was just for sport, then I truly would crawl under a bridge and die. And death really isn't the enemy anymore; death can be a friend. Death silences the demons and disappointments.

But I have to believe that there is a plan--whether I am privy to it or not--and that each battle is preparing me so that I can help others at some point and place in the future. How do I put that on the 10-year plan? Perhaps it just needs to say "Trust God," which sounds glib and trite, but what more can I do? For now, that's the plan.

So, hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been King of my glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace