Mom's Quotes

After a summer with my mom, I have collected quite a few of your quotes. Some are priceless, some are humorous, and some just leave me shaking my head in disbelief. My mom doesn’t have the greatest sense of humor--especially when she is the butt of the joke—so I’m hopeful that she doesn’t find out about this posting until long after my funeral is paid in full. Enjoy a glimpse into living with Ivisbelle…

THE AWARD: Stupidest Question Ever!
THE SETTING: A discount department store where mom has several outfits picked out.
MOM’S QUOTE: Do you think they’ll let me try these on?
MY REPLY: None. I just bit my tongue.

THE AWARD: Stupidest Question Ever! Runner-up
THE SETTING: A Chinese restaurant that features a nightly buffet.
MOM’S QUOTE: Do you think they have a bathroom?
MY REPLY: No; it’s against their religion.

THE AWARD: Geriactric Ebonics
THE SETTING: Prelude to a shopping trip.
MOM’S QUOTE: I need to go to Starburst to get a gift certificate.
MY REPLY: Would that be Starbucks?
MOM’S REPLY: I don’t know.

THE AWARD: Credit Card Stroke
THE SETTING: Same shopping trip…trying to find mom some Rainbow flip flops. I had told mom that Rainbow’s are the best, but I had forgotten to tell her that they are also pricey. So, we find ourselves in this really hip store, and we are the oldest people within a quarter mile, when the clerk totals mom’s purchase of one pair of Rainblow flip flops.
THE CLERK: That will be $52.50.
MOM’S QUOTE: Say what?
MY REPLY: That’s ok.
MOM’S REPLY TO ME: Say what?
MY REPLY: Hysterical laughter.

THE AWARD: Motherly Proverbs That State The Obvious
THE SETTING: Anywhere, anytime
MOM’S QUOTE: If you’ll go ahead and do it, it will be done.
MY REPLY: Genius!

THE AWARD: Best Hick Translation of The Bible
THE SETTING: Mom studying for her Sunday School lesson—conveying the topic to me.
MOM’S QUOTE: God’s on top of the man and the man’s on top of the woman.
MY REPLY: Unspoken for fear of blasphemy

THE AWARD: Recliner Martyr of The Year
THE SETTING: I have come to mom's house to watch a baseball game. In mom's living room, there is a full-sized couch, two recliners, a bench, and lots of floor space; and all seating faces the television. Mom is sitting in "her" recliner, and she is the only person in the living room as I walk in and she says:
MOM'S QUOTE: Do you want to sit here?
MY REPLY: I don't think that recliner can hold both of us.

More to come....