Irregular People

Irregular People is a wonderful book by Joyce Landorf Heatherley. I read it over 20 years ago. As a result of events this past week, I searched feverishly--to no avail--to find my worn-out, highlighted, dog-eared copy of that book. Either it got lost in the move or--more likely--I let someone borrow it.

Amazon only has used copies of the book available, but I ordered one for less than a buck (plus S&H). Today I feel like I need a dozen of 'em to pass out to family and friends who are tortured by the irregular people in their lives.

While googling the book title, I discovered a blog at Wordpress.com that said everything I intended to write today about my own Irregular Person (IP). The author writes: In my younger days, I was insecure enough that I felt responsible for the times when other people seemed unhappy with me or something I was doing. There were a couple of people in my life that could always find fault or ways to be disagreeable, no matter what I did. . . . I’ve recently been dealing with a person close to me who is as irregular as one can get. In fact, a regular Jekyl-Hyde personality. On good days, IP [Irregular Person] is a very giving, caring person who tries to help those in need, care for those not well and pleasant to be around. On bad days, IP disagrees with everything you say in an angry, hateful way. Then IP remembers everything IP’s ever done for you and uses it like a club to beat you over the head with and let you know what a terrible, unappreciative human you are. Of course, IP feels sorry later and uses excuses like not feeling well, didn’t understand, etc. or IP says IP doesn’t remember what was said.

The only comment that I would add to this blog is that the book taught me that I am not the Irregular Person. I am not at fault. More likely than not, nothing I say or do will ever change the Irregular Person. All I can control is how much I let this person control my life. Do I let her make me angry? or sad? or malicious? Do I blame her when I drink too much? or curse? or have a bad attitude? If so, then I have let this person have far too much power over me; and, in reality, perhaps I am even using this person as a crutch to continue in some bad habits, e.g., "She makes me so [fill in the blank] that I just had to [fill in the blank]."

In chapter one, Joyce writes, "Most everyone has one person in their life who truly makes living one continuous pain in the derriere. What heightens the pain is that this person is not a mere acquaintance of ours. No, unfortunately, it is more complicated than that, for we are related to them, by birth or by marriage." Joyce described my IP perfectly when she said, "this person is deaf, dumb, and blind to your needs no matter how hard you try to communicate. This person regularly breaks your heart with insensitivity and rejection."

For so long I felt like no one else shared this struggle, and it was isolating. Every other family seemed to be happy at birthday parties, weddings, and graduations. I didn't understand why my family's events typically had a dark cloud looming overhead. I wanted my family to be like the others, so naturally I thought I could fix this problem, and I would start by fixing me. I would be perfect. I would do everything that my IP expected of me. But, as you can imagine, that didn't work either. I would come away from a family gathering--or even a phone call--more perplexed than ever about how I could make this relationship "normal." The words from Irregular People were like a balm. This book helped me see that the IP is not happy when I am happy unless she is the one who has "made" me happy. She is going to be a negative person even in the most positive of situations, e.g., at an outdoor wedding, she must say, "It's going to rain; I told them they shouldn't have this wedding outside. This day is ruined."

When I confront the IP and tell her not to bother showing up (i.e., ruining) my daughter's birthday party if she's going to have a negative attitude, she shows up anyway, sits in the middle of the room, arms crossed, and lips buttoned, refusing to even say "Hello" when addressed. When finally asked, "What's wrong with you today?" She says, "I was told if I couldn't say something nice then I couldn't say anything." Once again, she must be in the center ring of the circus or she is absolutely miserable and will make you miserable as well.

And the list of scenarios could go on and on. I have a lifetime of stories that could crash blogger's server if I even tried to relay half of them. The bottom line is that this book finally made me realize that I am not the one with the problem, and I cannot fix the problem. I can only fix me--by the grace of God. I cannot cut my IP out of my life, but I can control her influence in my life. When I read Irregular People, I could feel myself healing. Joyce helped me understand the nature of my IP (and her maddening behavior), develop strategies for coping with her, recognizing (and handling) my negative reactions, and (the hard part) keeping forgiveness and reconciliation active in my life (without being her doormat).

If you do not have an irregular person in your life, fall to your knees and thank your Maker because you are truly blessed. But, if you have trouble with someone in your life--someone that you cannot walk away from because of family or marital ties--this book is for you. Even though it was written twenty years ago, its message is just as relevant today as then. I highly recommend it.

My daughter got engaged last week. I am so happy for her and her fiance and already consider him part of the family. Now there's a wedding to plan and, look, is that a dark cloud coming our way? Yes, I ordered the book and requested expedited delivery.