What's missing?

I attended a luau last Friday night, the capstone of which included a bonfire. I love fire. Summer, winter, fall or spring, I love fire. Indoor, outdoor or both; it doesn't matter.

Friday night it had started to turn cool after the sun went down, and I was drawn to the fire like the moth that I am. I could have curled up on my blanket and stayed all night--ignoring everyone and just enjoying its flame, its warmth, and its beauty.

No two fires are ever the same. They are all a beautiful dance of the chemical oxidation of a fuel with an associated flame. But the flames can be blue, orange, red or white. The fuel can be wood, gas, or wax. The only similarity for me is--Bunsen burner or bonfire--I am attracted to the flame.

I spent a lot of time at the bonfire Friday night. As long as I stayed close, it didn't matter that the night was cold. I wondered if I moved twenty feet away would I be as comfortable. What about thirty? or forty? The shorts and t-shirt that were appropriate attire at 5:00 p.m. were now inadequate for the evening chill, but as long as I stayed close to the fire, it didn't matter.

Wednesday night I attended my first Campus Church meeting this semester (The quip "Better late than never" comes to mind.). Most of the songs were new--new at least to me. I enjoy the Campus Praise Band, so it didn't matter; I didn't need to know the words because I was enjoying the lights, music, smoke, and singing. But then the music program changed. The loud and rowdy became a single repetitive chord from the piano, and I knew the song immediately. It was Everything by Tim Hughes.

Not recently, but in the past six months I have used the words from that very song as a prayer for my working, living, laughing, and playing. Not recently, but in the past six months, it would strum in my head throughout the ordinary and mundane day to remind me: God in my thinking . . . There in my breathing . . . God in my hurting . . . God in my healing.

It's like loving the bonfire, seeing the bonfire, and dying from hypothermia fifty feet away. What's missing? Everything.

death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing, save the limit of our sight

How sad it is to celebrate (or endure) the birthdays of those we have lost. We see the dates approaching on the calendar; and, sometimes, don't we wish that we could just skip that day? or sleep through it? When the pain is palpable, it's a day we endure every waking moment rather than celebrate--as in happier times.

That's where I'm at today, September 8, recognizing that it's my Uncle Willie's birthday. He died in May. He had a wife, son, daughters, grandchildren, brothers, and sisters, nieces and nephews. I'm not any of those people. I'm not even his niece. He's just a cousin that I affectionally called "uncle," and his passing has left a hole in my heart that hurts like hell. But, somewhere in the back of my mind I can hear him saying, “I told you that you’d miss me.” That is classic Uncle Willie.

Since he died in May, I have come to realize that Uncle Willie talked a lot about funerals. Everyone’s gonna have one, so there’s no reason in pretending otherwise. Uncle Willie did a good job of letting folks know just what he expected of them should he be the first to go. He said that when he died he wanted the funeral to be so elaborate that his children would have to go into debt to pay for it. He also said he wanted flowers—lots and lots of flowers—at his funeral. And he wanted his funeral to be “inconvenient”; you know, like you have to take off work in the middle of the day in the middle of the week. According to Uncle Willie, that’s how you know if someone really wants to be at your funeral.

I traveled three and a half hours to attend the family visitation. Then I paid my dues in the I-40 parking lot known as “rush hour” before I finally arrived at the funeral home. The whole family was there; and so was Uncle Willie, in his bib overalls. I hadn’t been there when he had his stroke. I hadn’t watched him suffer that week in the hospital. All I saw was him perfectly at rest, almost like he was taking a nap. I truly expected him to open his eyes and say, “It’s about damn time you got here. What in the hell took you so long?” I leaned over and told him, “Congratulations, Uncle Willie. The trip down here was damned inconvenient.” He would’ve liked to have known that.

I think this was the first time in my life that I saw him with his hair combed. A part of me wanted to reach down and mess it up—just to piss him off and hear him cuss at me or threaten to “whup my ass.” I’ve watched him run his hands through that red hair a thousand times. You knew he was thinking of something profound (or sassy) to say when he’d tussle his own hair and remark, “Jackie Sue, let me tell you something . . . “

He left a bag of trash in my front yard one time—just to let me know that he came by when I wasn’t home. He came to my wedding—after repeatedly threatening not to because it was going to interfere with his Sunday nap. He’d graciously laugh when I’d buy him a gag gift, like a doo rag to calm his red mane; and usually he’d say, “You think that’s funny, let me show you this.” And he’d go to his bedroom and come out with a collection of other gag gifts folks had given him.

Invariably he would ask me one of two questions every time I saw him, “What are you going to get me for my birthday?” or “What are you going to get me for Christmas?” The best Christmas gift I ever gave him was a one-year subscription to a magazine that he found distasteful. He called to cancel the subscription only to find out it was a prepaid gift subscription and he couldn't do it. It took him until about April to figure out that I was the culprit. I can hear him now telling the story of the arrival of the first magazine, then the second, and third. That story never got old; and I’d laugh until I'd cry.

Tonight, Uncle Willie, there are more tears than smiles. This wound is tender and raw. So much of me believed you were immortal—larger than life—and that you would be here as long as there were birthdays and Christmas and the need for laughter. We really could use one of your one-liners right about now (“Joyce is getting too old; I’m gonna have to trade her in for two 25 year olds if she doesn't straighten up.”)

Congratulations, you stubborn man. You were right. We’re gonna miss you for a long, long time.

My First 5K

My shoes are wet, and wet shoes are heavy. They are covered in red clay. I don't know how that happened since I have been trying to stay on the road.

My socks are wet. Wet socks make a squishy sound when you walk.

Water is dripping (and sometimes pouring) off the brim of my baseball cap. The cap isn't keeping my hair dry--only keeping the rain out of my eyes.

My shirt and shorts are now matted to the form of my body; soaking wet. Water drips off the end of my shirt and hem of my shorts. Thank God I can't see myself!

Today I participated in my first 5K race. It coincided with the arrival of Tropical Storm Hanna (Go figure...I'm just lucky that way, ya know). Rain or shine, though, the race goes on. It was a 5K walk/5 mile run for the local CASA group. The registration fee was nominal and went to a good cause.

When registering you had to indicate whether you were participating in the 5-mile run or the 5K walk (5K = 3.1 miles). I chose the 5K walk, but had all intentions of running at least half of it. I have been walking/running about four to five miles per day (3-4 times per week), so walking 3.1 miles is not a problem for me. The challenge would have been to run as much of the course as possible. Unfortunately, the race organizers really emphasized that runners should be in the 5-mile race and walkers should be in the 5K, i.e., no runners in the 5K. I was a little disappointed about not being about to challenge myself with a run, but that disappointment quickly subsided as we started the course and walked .6 miles downhill. That would be the last downhill slope we would see; it would be the same slope we would travel to the finish line, uphill, in the rain (Did I mention the rain?). The remainder of the course seemed to be uphill, both ways. I know that's not possible, but just believe me on this one.

TS Hanna arrived around midnight last night. We had drizzle, rain, downpours, repeat. Most of the race we contended with a steady shower of rain. But, once you're wet, you're wet; and you're not going to get any "wetter" or "dryer."

On Friday I went to Blackwater Creek trails (which are awesome). I usually walk these trails or use the track at school to log 4-5 miles on the days that I walk. On Friday my goal was to time myself as I walked the trail to the 3.1 mile mark. The weather was perfect. The trail was dry, and my time was 48 minutes or basically a 16-minute mile. If you can walk a 15-minute mile, you are really walking fast; anything faster than that usually involves some jogging or running. I was content with the 16-minute mile time and only hoped to maintain that today in the "race atmosphere." What I didn't prepare for were the hills.

I knew that the hills were going to slow me down. And I've never walked (or ran) in the rain (on purpose). My goal today was just to do the best that I possibly could, compete with myself, and try to stay near the 48-minute finish that I had yesterday. Long story significantly shortened: I crossed the finish line at 46:20. It was fun. I will do it again, but first I want to dry off and take a nap.

South Boston

She comes down from Yellow Mountain
On a dark flat land she rides
On a pony she named Wildfire
With a whirlwind by her side
On a cold Nebraska night

Do you remember this classic song from the '70s? It is titled Wildfire, about a girl who dies in a blizzard while searching for her horse. Sung by Michael Murphey, who was pretty much a one-hit wonder. Can you hear it?

She ran calling Wildfire!
She ran calling Wildfire!
She ran calling Wildfire!

I was on one of those three-hour rides between Virginia and North Carolina this afternoon--the drive that has become so mundane that I usually load my ipod with books and podcasts to keep me occupied. This afternoon, though, I was just scanning the radio dial when I heard the opening notes to this song, and I stopped. Instanteously I was transported to the house where my family lived when I was a teenager, and I was lying on my single bed, holding the microphone to my cassette tape player near the FM radio speaker, waiting for the DJ to play my request...Wildfire.

Oh they say she died one winter
When there came a killin' frost
And the pony she name Wildfire
Busted down his stall
In a blizzard he was lost

Isn't it amazing how a memory can do that to you? As the song played, I reached for pen and paper and wrote a reminder to myself to download it to my ipod. It would be the perfect addition to my "favorites" collection (alongside David Cassidy and Carole King).

By the dark of the moon I planted
But there came an early snow
There's been a hoot owl howlin' by my window now
For six nights in a row
She's coming for me I know
And on Wildfire we're both gonna go

On these many trips between Virginia and North Carolina, I have passed several exits to South Boston. And I always believed that the closing lines to this song said:

On wildfire we're gonna ride, oh
We're gonna leave South Boston behind
Get these hard times right on out of our minds
Riding Wildfire

So, today, the mundane trip took on a new interest as I convinced myself that I had a few extra minutes to check out South Boston. As I approached Danville, I took the first South Boston exit, and the road signs indicated it was 29 miles away. Well, that was a little more of a detour than I truly wanted to take, but the adventure was already in control. As I exited the city limits of Danville, there were rolling hills, beautiful homes in the distance, and many horse farms. I could just picture the blizzard, the barn, the beautiful pony, and the girl getting lost in the snow. I was trying to maintain a reasonable speed limit, but I was also quite excited to be visiting this special place mentioned in the closing lines of this haunting song.

With every mile I traveled, though, the horse farms disappeared--one by one--and the rolling hills became flat land, until I felt like I wasn't in Virginia anymore. On the horizon I couldn't see Yellow Mountain; I had never even heard of Yellow Mountain. But I could see South Boston, and I was quite excited about perusing its countryside and quaint city streets only a few miles ahead.

Now, for any of you who may hold South Boston near and dear to your heart, I am pre-empting this paragraph with an apology. I am sorry, but South Boston was a major disappointment. I had driven 29 miles off the beaten path to visit this mystical place mentioned in the closing lines of my favorite song from the '70s only to find a deteriorating downtown, a Sheets gas station, and a few other strip shopping centers. If there is a historic or quaint part of South Boston (and I'm sure there is), I didn't find it. I also didn't find any semblance of a horse farm where Wildfire could have escaped his barn. All in all, it was quite a disappointing trip.

During the round trip to South Boston and the tour I took of its city and outer limits, I had spent a lot of time and a lot of gas and was driving home very disappointed. At one time I had even entertained living in South Boston, i.e., the place made famous by Michael Murphy's song. But, based on what I had witnessed today, that would not be happening.

When I finally got home, I started working through my to-do list--a part of which was downloading the song Wildfire. And, as I am a creature of habit (some would say OCD, but isn't that a bit harsh?), here's the "download music" routine: Download complete, play song, go to lyricsondemand to follow lyrics with song (and sing along if I'm in the mood). Imagine my surprise when I realized that for almost thirty years I have misunderstood the closing lines to the song. It wasn't about South Boston--especially South Boston, Virginia. Duh, "she comes down Yellow Mountain . . . on a cold Nebraska night." The actual lyrics are:

On wildfire we're gonna ride, oh
We're gonna leave sod-bustin' behind
Get these hard times right on out of our minds
Riding Wildfire

Sod-bustin' not South Boston. Oh . . . well, that changes everything.

I am pregnant

Shocking title, huh? Well, since you haven't heard of me slitting my wrists, you can safely assume this is a theoretical pregnancy rather than an actual pregnancy.

As a sidebar, I have about six blogs circulating in my head right now. Unfortunately, I do not have time to write them all (unless this insomnia continues [another blog topic]), but I am hoping to post a blog about the trip to Greece, so don't think that I've forgotten that.

This pregnancy actually occurred in Greece where I was taking a class on Global Apologetics. At the beginning of a class, the prof randomly started talking about writing his first book, and he used the phrase "being pregnant" with the book. He described this process for at least fifteen minutes, and I was hanging on his every word. One of the most memorable things he said was, "It didn't matter how many books I sold; all that mattered was that the book was born because I knew in my being that it had to be born or a part of me would die." He then went on to say, " 'Writing your first manuscript' is not the topic for today's class, but I just felt compelled to share that story with you because someone in here is pregnant with a book." Oh, professor, that 'someone' is me.

Anyone who has known me for more than twenty-four hours knows that I love to write. I write verses, I write devotionals, I obviously write a lot of legal briefs and legal articles.

This blog was born out of my desire to write about this adventure called law school. But there is more inside of me than an occasional blog post. Even as the prof was talking about "being pregnant" with his first book, I could name no less than three books that I have inside me that I would love to--and need to--write. And, like the prof, whether I sale a single copy is not as important as birthing the book--saying what needs to be said.

Last night I listened to Rick Warren talk about the seven months he spent writing The Purpose Driven Life. His daily routine for seven months was to wake up every morning at 4:30, be writing by 5:00 a.m., stop one hour for lunch, and write until 5:00 p.m.; and he did this every day for seven months. He said he didn't know that he was writing a book that would become the best selling hardback book of all time worldwide (the only book in history that has outsold Rick Warren's book is the Bible), but he did know that he was writing something special. He said there were many days he would be writing while the tears flowed down his face, and all he was was the conduit for the book that had to be born. He explicity said he knew this wasn't his creation, but that something divine had impregnated him with this book.

The third year of law school is not conducive to being pregnant--literally or theorectically. And then there's the bar exam, and the job search, and the list goes on. But, amongst all the ohter things that I know I must do now--now that my head is clear--I know that I must birth this book--these books--or a part of me will die. It may be a year or it may be a decade before these books are born; but they are kicking inside me, and I am excited about this pregnancy.

Traveling Mercies

In August 2003 the kids and I vacationed in Hawaii. During the prior 15 years of my marriage, our family had vacationed once. Anything else resembling a vacation was usually when we would tag along to a conference or convention. In 2000, even though my marriage was deteriorating, I made up my mind that my family would not; and I began planning annual vacations. The kids and I had some prime vacations ideas, and Hawaii was at the top of our list. We planned, we saved, we negotiated a great deal, and we made it happen.

After ten days in Hawaii, our return flight from Honolulu left mid-afternoon and was scheduled to arrive in Los Angeles that evening. I believe the actual flight time was about five or six hours. We had been in the air for several hours. We had been served a meal, and an in-flight movie was playing. I was reading a book, rather than watching the movie, when the stewardess made some announcement about a lost camera. Well, I knew I hadn’t lost my camera, so I didn’t pay much attention to that announcement. Less than five minutes later she made another announcement--asking passengers to please check bags to ensure that someone had not lost a camera. I disregarded the announcement, but I noticed that the folks who were watching the movie were getting annoyed at the announcements interrupting the audio in their headphones. At least five more minutes must have passed when the movie stopped, the cabin lights came on, and the stewardess said, very sternly, “I want everyone on this plane to get up and check your bags to make sure that you have not lost a camera. This means everyone!” And, this time, I could tell by her tone that we were dealing with something more important than a lost camera.

All three of us had cameras of some sort—underwater, disposable, digital—so I got up to check the bags (even though I knew the cameras were there) and found my camera right where I had packed it. The kids were sitting a few rows up, so I motioned for them to check their bags as well, and we all confirmed that we had our cameras. This exercise went on for a few minutes until everyone on the plane, it seemed, checked their bags.

Passengers were starting to whisper and there was a defined tension in the air. That’s the first time I heard someone say the word “bomb,” and it got my attention.

It seemed like a lifetime before the next announcement, but when the stewardess finally started her next announcement, she had our undivided attention. She reported that no one had claimed the camera, and it had been found on the plane after takeoff. She said, “This causes us great concern. The pilot will be speaking with you in a few moments.”

While we waited to hear from the pilot, a few stewardesses collected all the blankets and pillows and took them to the back of the plane. (My seat was approximately 10 rows from the back, so I could hear a lot of activity back there—and a lot of whispering.) The best I could ascertain, some type of emergency plan was being implemented. Meanwhile, other stewardesses came down each row to make sure that families were seated together. The folks beside me knew that I had two children on board, and they were gathering their personal items—preparing to move—before the stewardess even made it to our row. It only took a few minutes, and our game of musical chairs was complete.

The pilot explained the situation to us very candidly. All airlines had been made aware of heightened terrorists threats in the recent weeks. I think he even said, "As you may have heard on the news...." Well, we hadn't heard anything on the news because we had been on vacation for ten days, so this really was news to me. One threat included a small explosive device that could be activated via any electronic device, like a disposable camera. This explosive device could automatically be activated when the plane reached a certain altitude and detonate on descent. Because no one had claimed the “lost camera” there was no way of knowing whether it was simply a lost camera or an explosive device. At this time we were approximately two hours from LAX or moments from death.

The stewardesses did a great job of going row-by-row to answer any questions from the passengers. They were calm and professional, but there was also an air of concern.

So what do you do when you know you could be living your last hour. Of course, I prayed, but it wasn’t a rocking-back-and-forth-dear-Lord-spare-me kind of prayer. Ironically, even though I was concerned—especially for my babies—I was remarkably calm. (I guess that’s why He’s called The Prince of Peace.) I remember I basically said, “God, I am yours, you know my heart, and you know the number of my days. You know where I am in the middle of the air, hovering over a great big ocean. I am asking for your protection, especially for my children. Keep them safe and do not let them be afraid. Help all of us to trust in you—especially since that’s all we’ve got to hold on to right now. And let me be a witness to anyone here who might not know you. Amen.”

I didn’t want to get upset; I thought that would upset my children as well as others. After praying this prayer quietly to myself, I then leaned over and asked the kids if they would pray with me. I basically prayed the same prayer substituting “our” for “I” and “us” for “them.”

You could hear passengers whispering, but the movie was done for the flight—out billed by our own unscripted real-life drama. I wondered whether I should call my mom or let the kids call their dad; I remembered how people cherished those sky phone calls that they received on 9/11 from their loved ones. But, I was really afraid that if I made such a call, I would lose control, I would choke up, I would cry, and I just felt like it was very important (for everyone) that I maintain my composure and not needlessly heighten the fears of the children. I also looked around, and no one else was making calls, so I decided not to as well.

The pilot made a few announcements about what would happen when we landed; I liked his optimism of “when,” and not “if.” At first he said we would go straight to the terminal and remain on the plane while the federal agents boarded the plane; later that plan was changed and we were instructed to leave the plane as quickly as possible when we got to the gate. It was the first time I ever remember that we weren’t told to “stay seated until the plane has come to a stop.” One time we were told we would exit through the emergency chutes, but later that was changed to exiting through the front door. I’m certain there was a lot of activity on the ground at LAX and a plan was being developed for every scenario. I didn’t mind that the plans were changing. I wanted them to develop the best plan possible and just let me know my part in that plan.

All air travel into and out of LAX was stopped, awaiting our arrival. If the “camera” hadn’t detonated during our descent, perhaps it was supposed to do so during the jolt of landing so that the terrorists could make a spectacular display of carnage on the tarmac. At least, that was one theory.

As we approached the runway, there were flashing lights, fire trucks, police cars, and ambulances for as far as we could see. You could also see that the entire terminal had been cleared. That plane taxied to the gate faster than even I thought was safe, and when the doors opened, we were all ready for the quick exit.

All passengers from our flight were ushered to a secured area for identification and questioning. Our wing of the airport terminal was like a ghost town—except for law enforcement, fire, and rescue. Federal agents and a bomb squad boarded the plane. After about an hour, an officer told us that the “lost camera” turned out to be a “lost camera” indeed. In addition to dismantling it, they had been in contact with the crew in Honolulu and confirmed that a “clean sweep” of the plane had not occurred prior to takeoff. The “clean sweep” is the procedure where they search for lost items, but also ensure that nothing is on the plane that doesn’t belong there.

The kids and I headed to another terminal to catch our next flight. Fortunately we had about a two-hour wait. The kids seemed okay; and I seemed okay. We boarded our next flight as if nothing had happened (although I did do my own “clean sweep” of my area of the plane before takeoff). We survived the bomb scare and had another great story to add to all the others about our Hawaii vacation.

I am reminded of this story as I prepare to leave for Greece tomorrow. This is my first European trip and my first international trip. Needless to say, I am so excited about visiting this beautiful place that I have only seen in pictures. But the excitement is tinged by the reminder that there are evil cowards in the world who use innocent victims to promote their agenda. I do not desire to be one of those victims (seriously, who would?); but, if I let these cowards dictate my passions, then am I not already their victim?

Should some evil befall me, I will miss this life and possibly regret that so many dreams were left undone; but my dreams pale in comparison to God’s plan and His perfect timing. My children know that I love them; I could not have ordered two greater kids. They are smart, kind-hearted, hard-working young adults who make me smile at just the thought of them. And the circle of friends and family that surround me makes me one of the richest people in the world. The only thing better than this life is the next; and while I am balanced between the two, I am going to Greece. God speed!

Mom's Quotes

After a summer with my mom, I have collected quite a few of your quotes. Some are priceless, some are humorous, and some just leave me shaking my head in disbelief. My mom doesn’t have the greatest sense of humor--especially when she is the butt of the joke—so I’m hopeful that she doesn’t find out about this posting until long after my funeral is paid in full. Enjoy a glimpse into living with Ivisbelle…

THE AWARD: Stupidest Question Ever!
THE SETTING: A discount department store where mom has several outfits picked out.
MOM’S QUOTE: Do you think they’ll let me try these on?
MY REPLY: None. I just bit my tongue.

THE AWARD: Stupidest Question Ever! Runner-up
THE SETTING: A Chinese restaurant that features a nightly buffet.
MOM’S QUOTE: Do you think they have a bathroom?
MY REPLY: No; it’s against their religion.

THE AWARD: Geriactric Ebonics
THE SETTING: Prelude to a shopping trip.
MOM’S QUOTE: I need to go to Starburst to get a gift certificate.
MY REPLY: Would that be Starbucks?
MOM’S REPLY: I don’t know.

THE AWARD: Credit Card Stroke
THE SETTING: Same shopping trip…trying to find mom some Rainbow flip flops. I had told mom that Rainbow’s are the best, but I had forgotten to tell her that they are also pricey. So, we find ourselves in this really hip store, and we are the oldest people within a quarter mile, when the clerk totals mom’s purchase of one pair of Rainblow flip flops.
THE CLERK: That will be $52.50.
MOM’S QUOTE: Say what?
MY REPLY: That’s ok.
MOM’S REPLY TO ME: Say what?
MY REPLY: Hysterical laughter.

THE AWARD: Motherly Proverbs That State The Obvious
THE SETTING: Anywhere, anytime
MOM’S QUOTE: If you’ll go ahead and do it, it will be done.
MY REPLY: Genius!

THE AWARD: Best Hick Translation of The Bible
THE SETTING: Mom studying for her Sunday School lesson—conveying the topic to me.
MOM’S QUOTE: God’s on top of the man and the man’s on top of the woman.
MY REPLY: Unspoken for fear of blasphemy

THE AWARD: Recliner Martyr of The Year
THE SETTING: I have come to mom's house to watch a baseball game. In mom's living room, there is a full-sized couch, two recliners, a bench, and lots of floor space; and all seating faces the television. Mom is sitting in "her" recliner, and she is the only person in the living room as I walk in and she says:
MOM'S QUOTE: Do you want to sit here?
MY REPLY: I don't think that recliner can hold both of us.

More to come....

Tuesday is trash day.

Who says you can't go home again? I returned to the great State of North Carolina on Sunday, May 25, in order to work as a law clerk for the summer. To say that my mom was thrilled to have me home would be an understatement. Mom is a bit overbearing, at times; she means well, but her good intentions can drive you crazy. So, within a few days of my arrival, I was thrilled to be able to move from the spare bedroom at my parents' house to the rental trailer that is adjacent to their lot. As I've mentioned before, it's not the greatest place on earth, but I have tried to focus on the positive aspects of my humble abode, e.g., it is rent-free, it is quiet, it is peaceful, and I am not living out of the spare bedroom of someone's house for an entire summer.

Once I had set up house, mom came over on Monday, June 2, to inform me that "Tuesday is trash day," which meant that I needed to take all of my trash to their receptacle. My mom moves the trash receptacle to the side of the house on Monday afternoon when she gets home from work—the side of the house being about thirty feet from the back of the house. Why does she move it there? I don't know, unless it is to serve as a visual reminder to my stepdad to take it to the curb. Week after week, mom only moves it to the side of the house, and my stepdad takes it from there, down the sixty feet or so to the end of the drive. Well, on this particular Monday, I had only been living in the trailer for a day or two, so I hadn't accumulated enough trash to warrant a trip to the receptacle, but I was glad to know about trash day.

The next Monday, June 9, I came home from work, and immediately started changing clothes in order to go exercise, when I heard my mother banging on the door and calling to me from the front porch. I threw on some clothes and hurried to let her in. “Tomorrow is trash day,” she said as I opened the door. “Ok,” I replied, and then we both just stood there staring at each other. “Do you have any trash?” she asked me. “I don’t think so,” I said. And, after a few other pleasantries, she walked away empty-handed, heading for the trash receptacle—moving it around to the side of the house.

On Monday, June 16, mom called me on the intercom. (Yes, we have an intercom system between the two houses.) “Remember, tomorrow is trash day,” she said. I pressed the intercom button and said, “I know that!” and released the button. “How in the world have I functioned as a normal adult without my mother around to remind of such important events as ‘trash day’? I have married, divorced, birthed and raised two stable children, moved to another state, and gone to law school, yet she feels the need to remind me on a weekly basis that ‘Tuesday is trash day.’” All of which was said after the intercom button was released.

For the record, I have not been accumulating trash like some Howard Hughes recluse. I regularly take the trash to the large trash receptacle located behind mom's house; but I just don't do it on Mondays. I may do it on Thursday afternoon or Saturday morning. Since the trash is picked up on a weekly basis, I just don't see the urgency in making sure that all of my trash is in the receptacle by Monday night. Should I miss this trash day, another one will roll around in a week, ya know? Do I really need to explain this to her? I don't know. What I do know is that this was the third week in a row that I had been reminded about trash day, and it was getting on my last nerve!! But this story only gets better!

On Monday, June 23, mom comes over after work to visit. She sits down and we chit chat for a while. I know that she is here to remind me about the trash, but I play it cool. When she gets up to leave she says, “Well, I’m going to go. Why don’t you let me take your trash for you?” And as I reply, “I don’t have any trash,” my mom starts heading for the kitchen trash can. “Jackie this trash can is almost full,” she reports to me (as if I didn’t know). “Leave it alone,” I say. But she’s already on her way to the bathroom, and she yells to me, “This trash can in here needs to be emptied too.”
“Leave it alone,” I say louder.
“I can take it with me,” she persists—still yelling at me from the bathroom.
“DON’T TOUCH THAT TRASH, WOMAN!” I yell back. I am already envisioning the 9-1-1 call and the deputy’s incident report that reads, “Violent domestic disturbance between mother and daughter about trash.” Back to reality, though, there is silence in the bathroom, followed by her footsteps coming back down the hall. Fortunately for her, she is NOT carrying the trash bag. She walks right by me and says, “Well, just call me if you want me to come back after it,” and she leaves.

Is this how people go insane? Is it the slow, methodical chipping away at their intelligence until all that is left is the hollow shell of what could have been but for “trash day” reminders? I don’t know; but I think it warrants investigation.

Do you think I’ve heard the last of trash day? If so, you are mistaken. Last Monday, July 7, as I walked into the house after work, I just stopped and stared at the kitchen trash can. It was empty. The bathroom trash can was too. All that was left was the empty container. My trash had been stolen or else I am one step closer to going insane.

The shower sequence

This summer I am staying in a rental trailer owned by my parents, conveniently located on the lot next door to their home. The trailer life is the closest thing to camping that I have ever been associated. I do not camp. In my adult life, "roughing it" meant that the Hilton was booked and we had to settle for Comfort Inn.

This trailer is the perfect rental for a starving college student or a migrant worker family. But, if I were in the market for a rental home, I would not have included it on my list of options. That being said, my parents have offered it to me rent-free for the summer, including utilities. Even better than it being rent-free is the fact that this humble abode affords me a little bit of peace and quiet. I would certainly rather live in the migrant-worker-trailer than in the spare bedroom at my parents' house--especially for an extended period of time. While the migrant-worker-trailer ain't much to look at or brag about, it does provide me with a quiet place where I can live alone. I can call it home and do not feel like I am a perpetual guest in someone else's house.

After spending a summer in the migrant-worker-trailer, I realize I have accumulated quite a few stories that I must share. Once such story is about the morning shower routine. If someone were watching this morning ritual, they would get quite the laugh out of it. First of all, I never go anywhere in the trailer (not mobile home, not modular home) without flip flops. So, at shower time, I completely disrobe and prance to the shower in my birthday suit and flip flops. I then back up to the shower, leaving my flip flops in the perfect position for me to step into when my showering experience is complete. The shower head is the perfect height to hit me with a blast of water square in the sternum. Any body washing or hair washing above my chest has to be done w/ me poised at a 45 degree angle. Once the water is on, my first move--in this morning ritual--is to move the blast of water from my sternum and point the shower head at the shower curtain in order to thoroughly wet it down. Otherwise, the shower curtain blows w/ the breeze and usually "mats" to my left leg. At the same time I have to balance my stance so that I am standing perfectly in the middle of the shower--an equal distance from the shower curtain and the shower wall (neither of which I ever want to touch). This shower would be the perfect size for a 4' tall kid; but even the average-sized person wouldn't have more than a three inch clearance between shower curtain and shower wall. (For the record, I am not an average-sized person.) When the shower curtain wraps around my leg, I instinctively move to the right, only to bump into the shower wall, which further grosses me out! I do not know how I can feel so icky while trying to get clean. When the shower is complete, I have to remember to move as far back as possible in the shower (i.e., two inches at the most) (without bumping into the shower wall or striking my shoulder on the shower head)--while opening the curtain--in order to avoid it, once again, wrapping around my leg. I didn't do a good job of that this morning and literally squealed when it came in contact w/ my skin. I felt like I was in the middle of a Lucy and Ethel skit...sans Ethel. Usually the cat is seated at the doorway watching this entire scenario unfold each morning. Today I thought I heard him mumble, "What in the hell is her problem?" before he walked away. If only there were a video....

Great quote

I am a quote-oholic. Love those people who can take the most complicated of ideas or ideologies and summarize them in one thought. Here's one that I heard this morning, from St. Augustine, that I immediately jotted down to share with you (and keep for myself): God never pours his grace into anything but empty hands.

Turning 100

What a difference a day makes! My life has changed in the last few days….100 of them, to be exact. But, “changed” isn’t descriptive enough. It would not be an exaggeration to say my life has been transformed in the last 100 days. I am not the same person that I was 100+ days ago. And, ironically, I don’t know if I’ve ever been this person. One hundred plus days later I can glance in the rear view mirror and clearly see what a difference a day makes.

My head is clear. My heart is clear. And I see things with a completely new set of eyes. I am more concerned about the long-term, rather than the quick fix. I have discovered that there are great fault lines in my life that I, alone, cannot fix. And I have confessed that I cannot fix all of my problems, or all of my kids’ problems, or all of your problems—which is quite the confessional for a control freak like me. In 100 days I have learned lessons about trust and faith. Words like "hope," "good," and "great," are part of my vocabulary--and not just part of the sarcasm. I have learned what a horrible mess I make of things when I demand to be in control--because, what can I really control anyway?

After the past 100 days I feel more alive than I have in years. I am actually concerned about what I am feeding my body and what I am feeding my soul. After 100 days of reflection, study, and prayer, I can see that there are bigger and even better things on the horizon. In the past 100 days I have been awakened with excitement about the plans that God has in store for me. Even on this 100th day I was reminded to “dream big.”

Where would you like to be in 100 years? Wherever that might be, it’s only possible when you commit to the journey today, and then tomorrow, and then the next day. One day becomes two, then ten, then fifty, and a hundred. If you can’t imagine 100 years, then catch a glimpse of where you could be in 100 days. I am living proof that anything is possible 100 days from now. One hundred days later I am more excited than ever about this journey called life.

This I love...and this I can live without!

It only took a few hours for me to start recognizing the distinct differences between North Carolina and Virginia...here are just a few of my observations.

THE WAVE ZONE: The closer I got to "home," the first thing I noticed was that people wave at you. I knew it before, mind you; but it had been so long. And, it's not a big deal. Just a little wave, a couple of fingers lifted from the steering wheel or a nod of the head; but local folks wave, acknowledge their neighbor, in brief encounters on the roadways. It took some time to get accustomed to this collocialism. At first, I felt as if I was being rude, by failing to wave back in time. I would give a wave out the window, hoping they were looking in their rearview mirror. Now, though, it's second nature again, and I'm waving at strangers like a local. I'm even waving first! I love that.

HALLELUJAH FOR THE MERGE LANES!: The highway system in the great state of North Carolina may have congestion and pot holes and roadkill every quarter mile, but we also have merge lanes. Oh my goodness, how I have missed merge lanes. Actually, they are called "acceleration lanes" because the purpose of the lane is to allow the vehicle to accelerate to the posted speed by the end of the lane and then successfully merge with the traffic on the highway with as little interruption in the flow of traffic as necessary. Nifty concept, huh? For whatever reason, the expressway around Lynchburg does not include merge lanes; and, invariably, during the morning or afternoon commute, there is at least one horrific accident per day--probably caused by some unsuspecting tourist who is astonished that the merge lane is not really a merge lane a milli-second before causing the pile up. Merge lanes...I love 'em!

WELCOME TO HOT CAROLINA: We also have plenty of heat and humidity in North Carolina. We are still two weeks from the official start of summer, but temperatures have soared past 100 degrees on several days. Add in 60% humidity and it feels like it's 105 or 109 degrees. After a two-year absence, I had almost forgotten that from May to September I just need to plan on being "damp" almost 24 hours a day. One thing that I have enjoyed about Virginia is the weather. My little part of Virginia has seasons. We have summer, when it warms up; we have fall, when the leaves change and the air gets crisp; we have winter, when it gets cold and there's snow and ice and we wear coats, gloves, and boots; and then there is spring, when the birds return and ever so slowly the warmth returns. I like that. I like having four seasons. North Carolina's four seasons--or at least my hometown's for seasons--are warm, hot, hell, and warm. When I lived in North Carolina, I didn't own a coat, and never wore long sleeves unless the forecasted temperature was below 40 degrees. As a matter of fact, the only reason to wear long sleeves is because of the indoor temperature, not the outdoor temperature. Most stores, theatres, and businesses keep the air conditioner set so low in the summer that you'll get a chill inside--that's the only time you need long sleeves. Being hot, humid, and damp from May to September, I can live without that!

NO AIR: And it took me a few days to, once again, grow accustomed to the lack of wind or breeze in North Carolina. The air is so still. It's almost eerie. In Lynchburg, there's a constant 5-10 mph wind. I remember how frustrating it was when I first moved there and tried to have every hair in place before leaving for school in the morning. Well, that plan was only good until I opened the front door. And, in Virginia, it didn't take long to realize that you not only had to listen to the temperature forecast for the day, but also the wind speed and its source. Even if the temperature is forecasted for 60 degrees, if the forecast included a 20 mph "breeze" from the north, put on a coat because you're going to need it. A few nights after arriving in North Carolina, I was just so miserably hot that I couldn't sleep. So, about 4:30 a.m. I decided to go out on the front porch for some fresh air--believing that it would be cooler outside than in. I just stood there on the front porch in disbelief. Not a single leaf was moving. There was no wind, no breeze. The air was thick with humidity and it seemed that the tree branches were so heavy with humidity that they couldn't move. I really miss the breeze and would trade my perfect hair style for it.

THE STREET NAME REMAINS THE SAME: One thing I know about my little town is that if I am on Mulberry Street, I will remain on Mulberry Street until Mulberry Street is no more. However, in Lynchburg, if I am on Piper Street, it may become Langhorne Avenue in two blocks (with no warning) or Piper Street may turn to the right at the next intersection and Langhorne Avenue just "begins." A street name can change names or directions two, three or more times! Ugh!! What sadist would do this? I suppose it was the same guy who said, "Merge lanes are a waste of money." I do love the fact that my hometown's street names are generally going to stay the same mile after mile.

It's about twenty miles from my hometown to the nearest interstate. Along the way there are hay fields, tobacco fields, corn fields, and strawberry patches. On any given day, you may find yourself trucking along at 20 mph behind a tractor or harvester. I have missed that. Yes, sometimes that can be frustrating; but, I honestly have missed it! On my drive to the interstate yesterday, I found myself wishing that I were a passenger instead of the driver. I wanted to soak in all of the sights to the left and right of me. I found it hard to concentrate on driving. I never realized it before, but these are things to I know about this place. When there are corn fields to your left and right, and you're the only car on the road, you feel like such an intruder; but for this road, the corn fields would meet. Most of eastern North Carolina is so flat, you can look from one field to another and see where the corn stops and the bean fields start. While I do miss the mountain ranges of Virginia (they do take my breath away); if I must be home, then summertime is the best time to spend here. The earth is alive with green crops of every kind, and a little bit of that life gets into my blood as well.

THE MUSIC: Because of the strong agricultural presence here, North Carolina has a tremendous population of migrant farmers, and most of these workers make North Carolina their home year round. When I left here two years ago, here was one Hispanic radio station; earlier this week, I found at least three while scanning the radio dial. Not so in Virginia, where you're more likely to find a bluegrass channel than a Hispanic channel. And that bluegrass music is growing on me; I have missed it this summer.

In all truth and honesty, I was not thrilled with the prospect of spending my summer in North Carolina. Like all of us, it has its flaws. But, it hasn't been that bad. And, in the midst of busyness of my time here, I have found that there are things I truly love about this place. Those things will always be a part of me. These intangibles made me who I am. I don't think I want to live here, but it will always be home.

Can't even think of three good reasons....

Don’t ya just love cats? If so, please list at least ten reasons why I should love mine. I have a few reasons why I shouldn’t love him—or even tolerate him—and I have shouted most of these reasons at the top of my lungs today while he stared at me in disbelief.

The shouting started when I came home from work today to find a lovely, wet hairball and accompanying vomitus parked conveniently beside my bed. Did I mention that the carpet is off white? Or should I say “was” off white? Now it’s “mostly” off white with a brown hairball stain right where I drop my feet each morning. That’s going to take some getting used to.

Why can’t cats throw up on linoleum? or on the dark blue carpet in the living room? Or in their litter box? If they learned how to crap inside, why can't they learn how to throw up in a proper place?

And what does this cat do all day that makes it so tired by the time I get home at night? This cat is utterly exhausted. Perhaps he spends all day finding the perfect place to vomit, and that just wears him out. I can’t think of anything else he does. I walked in this afternoon and broke up a poker game of local mice taking place on the kitchen floor. The cat was sitting on my bed—I suppose waiting to see how delighted I was about the deposit on the carpet.

So, why haven’t I had him declawed? The only reason I didn’t declaw him is so that he could catch a mouse or two; but he spends all of his time sharpening his claws on my leather sofa and absolutely no time actually hunting the rodents that he is biologically designed to devour.

I’m just not very happy with this cat right now. And he’s just as pissed at me. All of this yelling is interrupting his nap. What a useless pet. Give me a dog anytime. Anybody got ten reasons? Five? Three? Not me.

The Heart v. The Head

Spring semester exams ended 10 days ago. The next day was law school graduation. Sunday was Mother's Day, and it required a trip to North Carolina to spend a few hours with my mom. I had to be back in town on Monday to begin the summer intensive for Professional Responsibility. Fast forward a week and this Saturday I will take the PR exam and then head back to North Carolina for the summer.

I am looking forward to working with the law firm this summer, and I am so grateful to have a paid position. I only hope that at some point my heart will choose to join me there. For now, it has decided to stay in Virginia and make me absolutely miserable until I return. My head has tried to reason with my heart. My head knows that it makes a lot of sense to return to North Carolina. I have a lot of contacts there that could make the job search so much easier. But my heart just won't listen. My head has even tried to negotiate a compromise, e.g., let's live in the North Carolina mountains, or at least an hour from "home." My heart still believes that is far too close.

As you can see, I am torn. In spite of the heart's protests, North Carolina is our destination for this summer; and it is my goal to meet as many people as possible in order to make a little rain for a future job offer. Whether that will be in North Carolina, Virginia, Tennessee, or West Virginia, only time will tell. My head says "take it one day at a time, and remember you're not in charge of this gravy train." Great advice that really needs to be taken to heart.

Exam supplies

During exam season, the most important credo is "be prepared." Here are some of the preparations to consider:

wardrobe: Comfort is key. If you attend a law school that has a dress code (yes, Virginia, there are such anomalies), then sweats are not an option. First of all, I hate dress codes. Not because I want to look like a homeless person, but because I believe that I am intelligent and mature enough to dress appropriately without being pursued by the fashion police. That being said, I also do not believe that just because I have on a business suit it makes me superior or any more intelligent than the lawyer who is dressed casually. So, my mantra during exams is comfort (actually, that is my mantra most of the time). My uniform (i.e., dress code) during exams is slip-ons, khakis, and t-shirt--which is what we would see on casual Friday at most law firms--all of which is within the parameters of the dress code. (While the law school didn't intend for these wardrobe items to fall within the parameters of their definition of "professional attire," they can't seem to find a way around this loophole without appearing entirely intolerant. At some point in the future I suppose they will have some real lawyers take a look at the dress code provisions and make the necessary changes.)

diet: The day before we begin exams I usually stock up on fresh fruit, roasted nuts, tuna (brain food), and cranberry juice. By the end of exams, the fruit is rotten, and the other supplies have been relegated to the "hurricane supply box" and I'm busy ordering takeout pizza, chinese, and frequenting every drive-thru in the city. Another staple of this diet is lots of caffeine. I usually start and end my day with a venti skinny quad-shot mocha; and, should I get sluggish during the day, i.e., should my pulse rate drop below 100, then I'll dose up again on another quad shot.

schedule: Have a study schedule. Allot ample time to work alone as well as with your study group. Sleep should be optional and only when absolutely necessary. There will be plenty of time for sleep after the party after final exams. Since you aren't learning anything while unconscious, sleep is not your friend. Caffeine and speed are your friends; they should automatically be a part of your study group.

study group: Speaking of study groups, I highly recommend finding a small group of classmates to study with during exam season. Even if you study alone during the semester (as I do), it is beneficial to spend a few hours with a group as well. The key is to study with the classmates who are ranked higher than you so that it can positively affect your grade. Otherwise, you will do poorly on your exam and have to invest in detox supplies (below).

detox: If I have done especially poor on an exam (like yesterday), then it is imperative that I detox so that I can quickly recover. I suggest stopping by the ABC Store on the ride home, pick up an appropriately-sized bottle of detoxification beverage, and then consume it until you don't know your name. Trust me, you won't feel any worse the morning after than you already do after failing an exam.

A borrowed entry

I discovered a new artist (by accident) yesterday. Her voice was so captivating that I had to stop and listen....so this a.m. I let one of my exam distractions be a quick Google search for her website....and here's a copy of her journal entry that I "borrowed" to share with you. I would invite you, too, to check out Mica Roberts....

"Perhaps strength doesn’t reside in having never been broken…but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places."

In April of 2007, I began to share the message that my father taught me. The words "You Only Fail When You Quit" have become the thread of not only my career but, my life.

You see, I have many broken places within me, places invisible to the eye, places that can be covered with a smile, a laugh or a quick witted response that deflects a truth….

After a very long day of shooting the video for "Things a Mama Don’t Know", I went back to my hotel and didn’t bother to take off my make-up. This wouldn’t normally cause any heads to turn in LA. Of course, normally my make-up wouldn’t consist of a rather large black eye. I was so tired that I didn’t even think about it. I was so emotionally drained from the shoot that I failed to notice that the man whom I rode in the elevator with was staring at me, at my rather large black eye. Once I realized that he was looking at my eye, I said "Oh, I was in a video today and I forgot to take my make-up…" My voice faded as I realized that he wasn’t listening.
He was just staring at my eye.

I got off of the elevator, walked into my room, entered the bathroom and gazed at my eye.

"…like hiding the bruises on my face, just for everyone sake. Mom he’s a real go getter, love hasn’t ever felt better, you won’t believe all the things he’s promisin’ me. California that’s where we’re goin’, he swears he can make a fortune. I know you don’t think I should go...there’s some things a mama don’t know."

There are several things that people don’t know; that those around us, those who love us will never know…there are unseen bruises, battered souls, hidden scars and shattered dreams.

Some of the broken places within me have healed…and they are stronger than they would have been had they not broke. They healed because the words of my dad circled in my head, "You Only Fail When You Quit."

Some places have not healed, but I won’t stop trying to breathe hope into those places.

I don’t know where you need healing, but you do. I don’t know if someone around you needs compassion, and you may not either….

So, for this month instead of staring at someone’s bruises, ask if you can help. And know this, that being broken doesn’t mean you are weak, it means that you have the ability to grow and become stronger than you ever imagined you could be…

Thank you for continuing with me on this journey,

M

In the midst of exams....grace, mercy, peace

Wow! Had an awesome day at church today. Wish I had time to tell you just how much the music and the message spoke to my heart. I'm not sure if the other 2000 people needed to be there, but I know that I did, and it seemed as if the entire service was a letter of love and encouragement to me. I eventually just stopped wiping the tears away and just let them drench my face, neck, and shirt.

Lyrics to From the Inside Out

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out

Exam mode

This week has been especially busy. Lots of projects due. The final--and most significant one--was due this morning (all the docs to create an LLC). I finalized that package at about 4:00 a.m. and then debated whether I should grab a quick nap or just get ready for school. After getting only about 10 hours of sleep this entire week, I opted for the nap (and think that was the best decision). It's been a long day; but, adrenaline and caffeine have been my friends. The last classes are complete, review sessions are over, and it's time to get into exam mode.

Try as I might to avoid it, the time has come to prepare for another round of exams. Less than an hour ago I finished my last class as a 2L. Four exams from now I hope to look forward to my last year as a law student. How sweet it will be to be a 3L. But, first, exams--which are met with excitement clouded by fear and trepidation. For now, though, i.e., for the next 14 days, I am in the zone. My days will start as usual (around 5:00 a.m.) and the entire day will be consumed with study, sample tests, sample answers, note cards, memorization, application, analysis, sprinkled with lots of junk food and sleep, when necessary.

One thing that I am going to do differently during exams this time is "reward" myself after every exam. One reward will be a pedicure, then a facial, a full-body massage, and, after the final exam, a steak dinner. Admittedly, I may be too exhausted to eat the darn thing, but I'm still going ("To go, please."). And, that's what I must do now....go. No tv, no blogging, no e-mails, no distractions....time to get in the zone.

Unexcused Absence

This morning the weight of so many deadlines is crushing me. I wonder to myself, "where have I been? Did I check out for a while?" I don't think so. My feet have hit the ground around 5:00 a.m. on a daily basis; yet, somehow, it hasn't been enough. Last week, I even gassed up on caffeine and worked 48 hours straight, but I still can't see any positive result from that effort.

My inbox has over 100 unanswered messages. I have a major project due in two weeks in Business Associations that I haven't even started--and I estimate "getting started" (finding a suitable form, research, writing a draft) should take at least two weeks. But, who can think of that, because exams start in two weeks. So it's time to shape up the outlines and start digesting all of this information that I have just been collecting the entire semester. I have devoted Saturdays of late to shaping up my outlines; still they seem to be disjointed and out of order.

This week I have been consumed with law review and the new responsibilities that I have there on the editorial board. The new board has had several meetings and an open house for the 1Ls. I also had to put together a workshop for the 1L write-on competition. I know that this is just the "learning curve" but it is consuming time that I don't have to give. Yesterday an editing project was dumped in my lap that must be completed by next Friday; and, it's not just cite checking, but "finding a source to support" some lazy author's assertions. I am still struggling with whether I am even going to justify such a ridiculous project. It seems to me it would be easier to return the article to the author with a "thanks, but no thanks" letter and let the chips fall where they may. But I am trying not to let exhaustion and stress cloud my decision-making process.

With all that in mind, please accept my apologies for the recent absences.

The warm, healing balm

My bag included a study guide, my ipod, pens, markers, and a blanket. All week the weather has been beautiful. The sun has invaded every window of the law school, reminding us of what we're missing. But, the days were long. Classes in the morning, meetings in the afternoon, and start studying around sundown.

Today was different, though. Through a series of coincidences and others' scheduling conflicts, my afternoon was free. On the drive home, I developed the plan for the rest of the day; and, before long, I had changed clothes and packed my bag.

My favorite place on campus to soak up the sun is the baseball field. Usually I can either sit in the stands or pick a place on the hillside. Today was, by far, the warmest day we have had this year and even the wind was kind. After living here for two years, I have learned to pay attention to the forecasted temperature and the wind forecast because even though the temperature may be 70 degrees, it's going to feel like 50 if we have a 20 mph north wind whipping over the hilltops. But, today, sitting on the side of the hill overlooking the baseball field, the wind was almost calm and had a kind warmth to it.

I listened to lectures and scribbled notes in my study guide. And whenever I would start to panic about all there is to do in these last four weeks of class, I would pause, close my eyes, and turn my face up toward the sun until those panicked thoughts were gone. Sometimes I would just whisper, "God, I'm going to need your help in this, ok. In my weakness, infirmity, sickness, and imperfection, you are strong...please help me let you be strong."

These are the days when I wish time would stand still. I can appreciate spring and the renewing of the earth. Soaking in the sun today, letting it bathe my face in warmth, it seemed like I was having my own "spring" experience after a long, cold and hard winter. And how good it is to be alive and feel like living.